Anastasia Jade

It was the Tuesday of Holy Week.

Cindy*, the sonographer, intently studied the monitor. I refused to look. Keaton squeezed my hand, frowning as he looked at the screen. The room was eerily silent.

That day began with so much excitement. I had my 16-week prenatal checkup that morning. Physically, I felt incredible and couldn’t wait to see my baby via sonogram at my midwife’s clinic. Unfortunately, my midwife couldn’t find or hear a heartbeat, so she referred me to Cindy’s imaging clinic for a second look.

“I can’t find a heartbeat, either,” Cindy told us. “I’m so sorry.”

Keaton and I looked at each other with confusion and acceptance. Our precious baby, whom we had prayed for and rejoiced over, was gone.

“This is the part of my job I hate,” Cindy said. “Having to share news like this.”

She looked at the monitor, then back at me. “Would you like pictures?” She asked. She was getting choked up.

I hesitated, maybe for a millisecond, before answering. “Yes,” I said, eyes welling up with tears. “I would like pictures.”

Cindy printed off the last ultrasound pictures we would ever have of our baby. She left the room to allow Keaton and me to grieve. We wept.

My heart ached as I looked at Keaton and said, “God is still good.” And I believed it.

We soon learned that our baby had passed away from hydrocephalus around 13 weeks. I had no idea, as I did not experience any symptoms of a miscarriage. We also learned that I was pregnant with a girl, our precious Anastasia Jade. We had her name picked out for years. The name Anastasia is of Greek origin and means “resurrection”.

Over the next several days, our home was filled with family and friends who surrounded us as we grieved the loss of Anastasia. We talked, prayed, laughed, and cried together. We praised God together, thanking Him for the 13 weeks we had with our daughter. We also took time to remember Christ’s victory over death through his resurrection. (How timely that all of this was unraveling during Holy Week!)

These last few weeks, I have thought about God’s goodness, our grief, and the blessed hope of eternity. How do all of these things work together? What can comfort the grieving heart? Who can calm the troubled soul? Is it not the One who created that heart and soul?

I have been encouraged by focusing on what is true about God. The weary heart must be consoled by truth, not feelings, opinions, or worldly wisdom.

My heart has been comforted by these simple, yet powerful truths found in Scripture:

• God created Anastasia, knitting together her delicate body in my womb. He was sovereign over her development, and each moment of her life was recorded in His book (Psalm 139:13-16).
• Anastasia is a gift from God (Psalm 127:3).
• Anastasia is with the Lord (2 Samuel 12:23), and we will reunite with her in Heaven (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).
• God is the healer of broken hearts (Psalm 147:3).
• God is merciful and comforts us in our troubles, so we may comfort others who are also troubled (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

God has been so kind to us through this. He is a comfort in times of pain and sorrow. I have many questions: Why did Anastasia develop hydrocephalus? Why didn’t she make it past 13 weeks? Will we be able to have more children in the future? Will I miscarry again?

Although I don’t understand the why behind this, Scripture is clear that God’s ways and thoughts are far beyond my human understanding.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

We named our daughter so well. She will forever be our precious baby and a reminder of our expectant hope of the resurrection and eternity with our Lord, Jesus Christ.

I hope this reality encourages you as well.

Alexa

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*The name of our sonography has been changed for privacy.